Every Minion Down in Minionville Liked NEWPmas a lot…
But the Goose, who lived just north of Minionville, Did NOT!
The Goose hated NEWPmas! The whole NEWPmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his beak was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His heart or his beak,
He stood there on NEWPmas Eve, hating the Minions,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Goosey frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Minion down in Minionville beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a packhound wreath.
“And they’re hanging their cargo racks!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is NEWPmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Goose feathers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop NEWPmas from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Minion girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Minions, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Ferrero-pudding, and rare Seal-roast beast.
Which was something the Goose couldn’t stand in the least!
And THEN They’d do something He liked least of all!
Every Minion down in Minionville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with NEWPmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Minions would start singing!
They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Goose thought of this Minion NEWPmasSing,
The more the Goose thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, for forty-two years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this NEWPmas from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE Goose GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Goose laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Either Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and honked, “What a great Goosey deceiver!”
“With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Either!”
“All I need is a reindeer…” The Goose looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Goose? No! The Goose simply said,
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his bot, Mav. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty racks,
On a ramshackle Krait And he hitched up old Mav.
Then the Goose said, “Giddap!” And the Krait started down,
Toward the homes where the Minions Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Minions were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
“This is stop number one,” the old Goosey Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Either could do it, then so could the Goose.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Minion cargo racks all hung in a row.
“These cargo racks,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Ferreros! And Sidewinders! Corvettes! Drums!
Seal fish! Scarabs! Fighters! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Goose, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Minions’ feast!
He took the Minion-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Goose even took their last can of Minion-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned the Goose, “I will stuff up the tree!”
And the Goose grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Minion!
Little Kazumi, who was not more than three.
The Goose had been caught by this tiny Minion daughter,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Goose and said, “Either Claus, why,”
“Why are you taking our NEWPmas tree? WHY?”
But, you know, that old Goose was so smart and so slick,
“Why, my sweet little weeb,” the fake Either Claus lied,
“There’s a light on this tree that won’t light on one side.”
“So I’m taking it home to my carrier, my dear.”
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled the weeb. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Kazumi went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other Minions’ flats
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Minions’ rats!
It was quarter past dawn… All the Minions, still a-bed,
All the Minions, still asnooze When he packed up his Krait,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Whitson,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to be smitten!
“HonkHonk to the Minions!” he was Gooseishly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no NEWPmas is coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!”
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Minions down in Minionville will all cry BooHoo!”
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Goose, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Goose put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Minionville! The Goose popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Minion down in Minionville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN’T stopped NEWPmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Goose, with his Goose-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!”
“It came without packages, boxes or cargo racks!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Goose thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe NEWPmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe NEWPmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then? Well…in Minionville they say,
That the Goose’s small heart Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the meal!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Goose carved the roast Seal!
Merry NEWPmas to all, and to all a good flight!
(Courtesy of CMDR Maver1ck 113, great work CMDR)